Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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