At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
