Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
