I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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