my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Terrible idea I love it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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