We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
