i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
