I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
