I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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