i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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