my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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