just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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