If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize