I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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