did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Randomize
