dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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