??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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