He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
