If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize