So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
