Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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