im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
