Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
