By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
