the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
