There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
