um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
