Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
