guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
