wat bout pragnant strippers??
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
