I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize