i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
In America we eat man semen.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
