i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
