i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
