his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
