Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
