we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
