I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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