I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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