Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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