I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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