i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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