sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize