I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
