omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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