Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My vagina is officially offended.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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