i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Bring me that man meat
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
