THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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