So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My pussy is not your playground.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
