So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
