Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
