I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
