I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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