Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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