I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
