so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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