I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
whose parrot is this?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
